The LQ Continues his top to bottom review

The LQ loves the people

(Back in his office, with Starbucks in his hand, the people at Spot gave him a dirty look, so he doesn't go there anymore, now will review the roster to make changes for next year)

The LQ: Whew, I needed a few days off after Friday. Of course my opinion on Lindy Ruff was overruled. I blame Rene Robert.

The LQ: Maureen, did you see that thing on Rene Robert?

Maureen: Yes, he was just voicing his opinion.

The LQ: Opinion? It was an attack piece on yours truly! That is uncalled for. Hey maybe during the summer or when those Dinosaurs come, the 14 hanging in the rafters would mysteriously disappear.

Maureen: You honestly wouldn't take down his number?

The LQ: I'M LARRY QUINN! I DO WHAT I WANT!

Maureen: Ok Mr Quinn I'll get the lawyers, maybe we can bring a defamation suit.

The LQ: You're damn right. Land Developer? I'm way more then that. I'm a minority owner in the Buffalo Sabres. What has Rene Robert ever owned? Um? Nothing! I OWN RENE ROBERT!

(Maureen goes back to writing her blog, FireLarryquinn)

The LQ: Oooooo Kay! On to the players. This will be the most monumental decision in Buffalo Sabres History right here, with my opinion on the players and our course of action.

The LQ: First up, Craig Rivet. The Captain. Scary. Keep on team, don't want tohave to handle getting rid of scary guys.

The LQ: Next Thomas Vanek, too expensive to trade, our best scorer. Plus he's Austrian, those guys are secretly crazy. The LQ doesn't like the secretly crazy guys.

The LQ: Jason Pominville. Nice long deal, good team guy, soft spoken, as scary as a puppy. Thats what I like about a guy if I feel tougher then them. We need more Jason Pominville's

The LQ: Derek Roy. Pretty Boy, a whiner, flashy, a diver. I like him. Works hard enough to look productive and gets paid, but yet not there when you really need him. Keeper.

The LQ: Tim Connolly. The LQ's right hand man. Bar hopping buddy. This guy is invaluable. Plus he produces. If you know what I mean.

The LQ chuckles to himself

The LQ: Jochen Hecht, German. Thats enough, ship him out. No germans. I have to talk to Darcy about that policy.

The LQ: Toni Lydman. Adequate player, nice contract, gets the job done. Good guy in the locker room. Think about trading him.

The LQ: Henrik Tallinder: Bones like breadsticks. Lazy. Makes mistakes. Look to extend.

The LQ: Chris Butler. Mmm nice young kid, played above his level. A solid player. Look to trade him for a player who doesn't want to play here, and demands a trade.

The LQ: Andrej Sekera. Was good last year, struggled this year. RFA. Resign him for a low deal. Then hope he somewhat struggles again, because if he turns out to be good. We will have to make a tough decision on him. Thats not The LQ's strong suit.

The LQ: Jaroslav Spacek: UFA, good production. Solid year. Talks funny. Probably will demand too much, let Jaro go and bring up a cheaper worse player. That plan usually works.

The LQ: Nathan Paetsch. Could serve as Jaro's replacement. Could also be used as another forward's replacement. Nice. Have no opinion or remember him, but he looks valuable.

The LQ: Drew Stafford. Don't like him. Lazy, cocky, has talent and probably "wants what his value is" (eye roll) Let some idiot GM give him an offer sheet and take the picks. Those picks we'll never have to pay, more money for ME!

The LQ: Paul Gaustad. Kind of intense and responsible, a guy I see as a team Captain. And he doesn't require much money, nice. Keep that kid around, plus he's Miller's best friend, wouldn't want to release or trade him and have Miller clinically depressed.

The LQ: Speaking of which Ryan Miller. Backbone of the team. A leader. Good for the community. Vocal. Could be a trouble spot. Make sure to keep all razors locked up, especially if next year goes badly.

(Looks at rest of the roster)

The LQ: Oh my so many players. Um, keep half, get rid of the other half. And replace with callups and UFA's. (wipes brow) whew Done. That was rough. Now I have to go over this with Darcy so he can put this plan in motion.

The LQ: Maureen, set up a meeting with Darcy, I'm done going over the players.

Maureen: Already? Ok I'll set something for later in the week.

The LQ: This week? Oh no. I'm spent for the week, make it next tuesday.

Maureen: OK Penciling it in.

The LQ: Oh my that was a lot of work. I hope we make the playoffs next year, because if we don't I don't ever want to do that again. That was rough.

(Sips coffee and looks out window, wondering how to get back at Rene Robert)

The LQ beings his season review.

(The LQ sits down at his desk, with a coffee and danish he picked up at Spot Coffee)

The LQ: Maureen, hold all my calls, I am busy and need not to be disturbed. I am deciding the fate of the Buffalo Sabres. What The LQ thinks, is what will happen.

Maureen: Ok Mr Quinn.

(Goes back to making her Larry Quinn Voodoo doll)

The LQ: Ok, lets start with mmm. Me. The Buck stops here. Yeah unfortunately they all don't stop here. (chuckles to self) Oh Larry you so funny. Anyway, enough with the jokes. This is serious business, the future of the franchise is on my desk. Ok, Me. Season tickets are strong, sales are strong, ad revenue is strong. I'm doing a great job.

Recommendation: Raise and more ownership.

The LQ: Ok next up Dan Dipofi. Oh Dan my main man. Chief operating officer. Things are very well run here at HSBC Arena and Hockey Western LLC. Dan is doing a great job of creating the Sabre brand, and making it the number one sports brand in Western New York. But he is also a minority owner. TAKING IT AWAY FROM THE LQ! That must stop. But it will take time.

Recommendation: Tell Dan he's doing a great job, but secretly find a way to destroy him.

The LQ: Ok what about the rest of the staff, who to start with? (Looks at organizational list) What this many people work for us? How. Who are these people? WE HAVE 11 SCOUTS! I thought Darcy said Video scouting would cut down on that? Wait, theres a Director of Amateur scouting and a Director of Amateur scouting operations? Whats the difference. Why can't that job be one thing? (scans further) MASCOT COORDINATOR! If that guy isn't Sabretooth, I will have heads roll. How hard is it, to strap on a costume, fire t shirts from a cannon and bang a drum? You need a coordinator for that? Hell I'll be Sabretooth if it saves money. (Scans even further) Webiste content Coordinator? Can't even spell their own title right. Fired.

Recommendation: Fire half that list and outsource it to India or China or wherever. Have to pay for Thomas Vanek somehow.

The LQ: Whew this is tough. Man I wish I never told anyone about a top to bottom review. Should have said I'd give the team a quick scan then give some recommondations to Darcy. Like hey we need more scoring, or get tougher. Generic observations, that would look like I was doing something, but not really doing something. Stupid team not making the playoffs. It would make my life easier.

The LQ: Ok, Darcy Regier. Kinda creepy, smart, but always seems like he's not doing anything. Always on the computer, could be looking at Porn, or Hockey players. Don't know he tends to be shifty when I come into the office. Knows a lot about hockey and players he brings in, tend to be talented. Has made some great trades over the years. Team could use a change, but then I have to go look for a replacement. And that is more work then I want to do over the Summer.

Recommendation: Keep Darcy, and put restrictions on his computer use.

The LQ: Lindy Ruff. Players don't listen to him. But highly respected. Also scares the bejesus outta The LQ. I see him in the hall, say hi, but always scared he wants to punch me. This face can't be touched. Fans want change, so the team will fire him. Because Darcy will look for another coach, not me. I'll just give the ok sign. No work for me. Its brilliant. Gives the fans what they want, yet requires The LQ not to sweat for a minute.

Recommendation: Regretfully let Lindy go, hire cheaper replacement.

The LQ: Before I get to the players I need a break. That was tiring. So many decisions. So much work.

(The LQ looks out the window and sips his coffee)

The LQ: Must Destroy Dipofi.

(Part II soon)

The LQ the day after

The LQ was judging Bucky's clothes.

The LQ walks into his office with a Tim Horton coffee and the Buffalo News.

LQ: Oh boy I wonder what Sucky is gonna say about yesterday, probably slam me, since he's jealous how awesome The LQ is and my hair is so much better then his. Mmm, Montreal won, oh wait? No cheap pot shots? Oh wait, theres the Campbell shot and referring to Drury and Briere, thats expected. 5 for 25 will be on Bucky Gleasons tombstone. Mmm the LQ is impressed by the well written column from Sucky.

Shirley: Mr. Quinn Darcy Regier is outside and wanting to talk with you.

LQ. Send my genius in.

Darcy: Mr Quinn we are needing to talk about the college prospects we need to sign before we lose them, they could be quite valuable to the organization quite soon.

LQ: College prospects? They have Hockey at Colleges now?

Darcy: Yes, they have for a while. The Frozen Four is going on right now and one of our prospects is in the final and scored a hat trick last night.

LQ: Wow! I bet the LQ could score a hat trick against North Dakota. Who plays for them, Eskimos?

Darcy: I bet you couldn't and Drew Stafford went to North Dakota.

LQ: Yeah my point exactly he was pretty useless this year. I hope we don't drill in that hole anymore.

Darcy: North Dakota is one of the finest programs in the country.

LQ: Really? Your going to tell me next Niagara is good at Hockey.

Darcy: They made the tournament and were ranked in the top 20.

(The LQ spits his coffee all over Donna Fernandes' picture in the City and Region.)

LQ: WE DRAFT PLAYERS FROM THESE COLLEGES?

Darcy: Yes all the time, its the new source of talent. Ryan Miller was a 5th round pick out of Michigan State.

LQ: He plays like one.

Darcy: Ryan is our future in net and we need to come up with a long term deal to keep him here. Along with many other guys this summer.

LQ: Woah, Woah, Woah, Mr Proactive. Didn't you read Sucky's column today? Thats exactly what HE wants us to do. If we, errr, I mean The LQ, starts doing what Bucky Gleason wants, then he looks smart and you look like you are kowtowing to the media.

Darcy: Wait, wouldn't that make you kowtow too?

LQ: The LQ doesn't kowtow to anyone, not even Mr Golisano. I do whatever I want here in the house The LQ built.

Darcy: What? Nevermind, I'm gonna go get work on contracts, talent evaluation and making sure we're good next year.

LQ: Yeah whatever, I'll be here you know doing real work.

(Darcy walks out, shaking his head for the 100th time)

LQ: Mmm time to read email, OOOOO whats this Chris Drury wants to come back to Buffalo? Just click on this link. All right.

(A screen pops up and plays this.)

LQ: AHHHHH, IVE BEEN RICK ROLLED! Who dare do that to the LQ. SHIRLEY. GET ME I.T, HEADS ARE GOING TO ROLLLLLLLLL!

The LQ runs into a fan

The LQ decides to take a stroll down the street from his office overlooking his "empire" and bumps into a fan.

LQ: WOAH What the fuck no one touches the LQ!

Fan: Sorry man, wait you're Larry Quinn!

LQ: Thats Mr Quinn to you.

Fan: Sorry Mr Quinn, hey can you get me some tickets. (said in joking manner)

LQ: Yeah, they are at the box office, you can pay for them there.

Fan: Hey just a joke man, no need to be a dick.

LQ: A what? What did you call the LQ? NO ONE talks to me like that. Before me, this team did nothing, the Canal project was a fucking joke. And now they are clearing out the Aud. Thats all because of the LQ.

Fan: Well I'm sure others were part of that, but I'm still sticking with calling you a dick.

LQ: How do you know? Are you in the shit? Are you on the phones making deals and making things happen. This city would fall into the lake without the LQ.

Fan: Jeez, Ive heard you have an ego, but you might be delusional as well.

LQ: Delusional? Delusional is you thinking you can get tickets to the Winter Classic somehow. The LQ, can sit on the fucking ice if he wants to.

Fan: Well thats an out right lie.

LQ: Is it? How do you know? Gary Bettman is scared of the LQ. And by the way you should buy tickets to the Ronan Tynan concert on 12/30. Because "I can't think of a better way for families to kickoff the New Year and the outdoor Winter Classic weekend"

The fan stares straight ahead, shakes head and walks away

LQ: Whew! Survived another encounter with a rogue on the street. Someone get Darcy to clear all these people out of the way.