An attempt to be humorous and logical about the Buffalo Sports Scene.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Perry Fewell: Its a wonderful Christmas Carol

Perry Fewell (talking softly to himself) Ok ok, time to practice to get ready for those pesky Atlanta Falcons. A tough team, that is struggling on the year, hey just like us. Oh man so many new people, good thing I have a roster on me. Otherwise I wouldn't know who is out here.

(Brian Brohm goes back to pass and falls down)

Perry Fewell: Shake it off Brian, you'll get the hang of things.

(Gibran Hamdan practices his sack position)

Perry Fewell: Gibran Keep your head up.

Perry Fewell: Alex what does the gameplan look like for Atlanta?

Alex Van Pelt: Coach, its a um, good?

Perry Fewell: Did you come up with any plays or gameplan?

Alex Van Pelt: Whats the point? We're playing Brohm or Hamdan at QB. We could have Bill Walsh's playbook and still be awful.

Perry Fewell: We still are playing, every game matters. This is our profession and we have to show some professionalism. Perry Fewell doesn't quit, neither should Alex Van Pelt.

Alex Van Pelt: Ok, I'll draw up some 2 yard out passes.

Perry Fewell: That's the spirit.

(Marshawn Lynch moves around the backfield, before being stopped for a 2 yard gain)

Perry Fewell: Keep it up Marshawn, find that hole.

(Brohm throws 2 yard pass to Nelson, who drops it)

Perry Fewell: Eyes on the Ball Shawn, Eyes on the ball.

(Owens lazily runs route, knowing he'll never get thrown the ball)

Perry Fewell: Terrell gotta go full speed all the time.

(Offensive line miss all their blocks)

Perry Fewell: Know your man, O line, Know your man.

(Donte Whitner misjudges an angle and Fred Jackson scores a td)

Perry Fewell: Good job Freddie, Donte, watch your angles.

(checks watch)

Perry Fewell: Ok guys, Practice is over, go watch some film and hit the weight room.

(waits till everybody is gone)


Perry Fewell: Calm down Perry, only two more games, and you'll be let go and go somewhere else. Fresh start.

(whooshing noise)

Perry Fewell: Who opened the doors?

Ghost of football Christmas Past: Perry Perry Do you remember how it use to be?

Perry Fewell: Who is that? WHO'S TALKING?

Ghost: Its me Rod Dowhower your former Head Coach at Vanderbilt.

Perry Fewell: Hey coach long time no see.

Ghost: Do you remember how bad it was at Vanderbilt? When we could barely win a game?

Perry: Oh yeah, those kids weren't even division 1 Talent.

Ghost: Now look where you are a head coach in the NFL. Things aren't that bad. You're on the upswing Perry. Everything will get better. But in case you doubt it, you'll be visited by two more ghosts.

Perry: Coach, you're right, I'm just letting struggles get to me. Coach? Coach?

Ghost of Christmas Present: Perry, Its me Coach.

Perry: Coach Jauron? How are you haven't seen you since, um Uh.

Ghost: Since I was relinqueshed of my duties.

Perry: Yeah, that how are things?

Ghost: Lets take a peek of last Sunday.

(mysteriously peer into the Jauron household last sunday)

Announcer: The Bills have it and its 3rd and 20 from the 50 yard line. The snap and its a 3 yard pass, that is stopped right away.

Jauron: (claps) Thats the right call, can't risk Turnovers, thats how you lose in this league. (Talking to no one) Punt it and stop em.

Perry: You approve of that?That stuff drives me insane. Just throw it, they pick it, they pick it.

Jauron: Thats why Brett Favre struggles.


Jauron: Because of the talent around him.

Perry: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Get me out of here.


(Wakes up back on practice field)

Perry: Oh man that was scary.

Ghost of Christmas Future: Perry, Perry

Perry: Tony Dungy?

Ghost: Yes, I love what you do and you are what I need in a defensive coordinator when I come back to coaching.

Perry: Wow! Thanks! When is that?

Ghost: Not sure. But I can build a winner with you.

Perry: Thats awesome, it rewards me for this crapfest.

Ghost: Gotta go, gotta prep for my arguments with Rodney Harrison.

Perry: Working with Tony Dungy? A winner? Life is wonderful.


Jairus Byrd: Coach, Coach are you okay?

Perry: Oh I'm fine, just had a great dream.

Byrd: On the field?

Perry: Yep, why don't you go inside and wish Everyone a Merry Christmas for me.

Byrd: Ok coach.

Perry: Oh and Jairus! You had a great year, just go home, we'll put you on IR. Get yourself fixed up.

Byrd: Really!

Perry: Yeah, no more from you. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

(Byrd Skips back to the locker room)

(a bell rings)

Perry: Ahhh, everytime a Bell rings a Bill goes on injured reserve.

(fade out to a snow falling over Ralph Wilson stadium)

Friday, December 11, 2009

Pat Kane comes to down

(last night downtown on Chippewa)

Pat Kane: Oh man its cold out, but doesn't stop the Kanester from hitting the Strip.

Jon Toews: Maybe we should just head back to the Hotel, its late and cold. And we got a game tomorrow.

Pat Kane: TOEWSER! I thought you were my bro? If I thought you'd weak out, I'd bring my cousins. But they can't come out anymore, because my Aunt doesn't want them in trouble. We're Kanes we rule this City.

Jon Toews: Ok, I'll hang out, whats the worse that can happen?

(Cab comes down Delaware sees Kane and crashes into tree)

Pat Kane: Stupid Cab driver, they can't drive even though its their job. And they are worse at counting money. AMIRITE?

Duncan Keith: Don't get it.

Jon Toews: I don't know if thats funny.

Pat Kane: You guys gotta lighten up. We all got paid. Know we gotta live. Because thats all our money. We made it.

Duncan Keith: We still have to play up to the contract, otherwise we don't justify the money nor the committment to the Chicago Blackhawks.

Pat Kane looks at Keith like he just said the stupiest thing on the planet.

Jon Toews: Duncan is right, we should be professionals.

Pat Kane: Back in South Buffalo, professionals would get liquored up every night. And still be great at the Job.

Duncan Keith: I'm going back so I can be ready for the Sabres. Especially that Tim Connolly. He's crafty.

Pat Kane: Tim Connolly? He couldn't stick handle his way out of a nursery rhyme.

Jon Toews: What does that mean?

Pat Kane: Think about it, it makes sense.

(Duncan Keith leaves)

Pat Kane: See you tomorrow Duncan Hines!

Jon Toews: I'm kinda hungry.

Pat Kane: Lets hit up Jim's Steakout. Its the best ever.

(enter Jim's Steakout)

Pat Kane: OH man, Chicken Finger Sub, my favorite. Nobody makes them like they do in Buffalo. Its hot, spicy and chickeny.

Jon Toews: Probably should get something healthy. Well I can splurge. Turkey Hoagie sounds good.

Pat Kane: Good choice Toewser.

Person in front, pays for food, and puts Dollar in Tip Jar.

Cashier: Everybody Thank You

Employees: THANK YOU!

Jon Toews: Do they do that everytime you tip?

Pat Kane: Yeah, its their thing, I think its dumb.

Pat orders and pays, puts 20 cents in tip jar. Nobody says anything. Kane gets a furious look on his face.


Cashier: Didn't see it sorry.

Kane reaches over counter and punches Cashier.

Pat Kane: DID YOU SEE THAT! UH! I'm PAT KANE! I'm a Buffalo Legend!

Jon Toews: Pat what are you doing?

Pat Kane: This is the South Buffalo way. No disrespect.

(cashier calls cops)

Pat Kane: Hey wheres my sub?

Employee: Sir you have to leave. You can't assault us, because no one saw you tip. Especially a lousy 20 cents.

(Pat Kane punches other employee)

Pat Kane: You people don't deserve any tip. (reaches in to get 20 cents back)

(Cops roll up)

Officer Jones: Oh no, not you again Kane.

Pat Kane: This whole town is out to get me, no one likes people who succeed.

(Kane is put in cop car, while Toews call team officials)

Jon Toews: Why do I hang out with this guy?

About Me

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Buffalo, NY, United States
A Stay at home dad, who has more hot takes then your average stay at home dad.