An attempt to be humorous and logical about the Buffalo Sports Scene.

Friday, April 17, 2009

The LQ beings his season review.

(The LQ sits down at his desk, with a coffee and danish he picked up at Spot Coffee)

The LQ: Maureen, hold all my calls, I am busy and need not to be disturbed. I am deciding the fate of the Buffalo Sabres. What The LQ thinks, is what will happen.

Maureen: Ok Mr Quinn.

(Goes back to making her Larry Quinn Voodoo doll)

The LQ: Ok, lets start with mmm. Me. The Buck stops here. Yeah unfortunately they all don't stop here. (chuckles to self) Oh Larry you so funny. Anyway, enough with the jokes. This is serious business, the future of the franchise is on my desk. Ok, Me. Season tickets are strong, sales are strong, ad revenue is strong. I'm doing a great job.

Recommendation: Raise and more ownership.

The LQ: Ok next up Dan Dipofi. Oh Dan my main man. Chief operating officer. Things are very well run here at HSBC Arena and Hockey Western LLC. Dan is doing a great job of creating the Sabre brand, and making it the number one sports brand in Western New York. But he is also a minority owner. TAKING IT AWAY FROM THE LQ! That must stop. But it will take time.

Recommendation: Tell Dan he's doing a great job, but secretly find a way to destroy him.

The LQ: Ok what about the rest of the staff, who to start with? (Looks at organizational list) What this many people work for us? How. Who are these people? WE HAVE 11 SCOUTS! I thought Darcy said Video scouting would cut down on that? Wait, theres a Director of Amateur scouting and a Director of Amateur scouting operations? Whats the difference. Why can't that job be one thing? (scans further) MASCOT COORDINATOR! If that guy isn't Sabretooth, I will have heads roll. How hard is it, to strap on a costume, fire t shirts from a cannon and bang a drum? You need a coordinator for that? Hell I'll be Sabretooth if it saves money. (Scans even further) Webiste content Coordinator? Can't even spell their own title right. Fired.

Recommendation: Fire half that list and outsource it to India or China or wherever. Have to pay for Thomas Vanek somehow.

The LQ: Whew this is tough. Man I wish I never told anyone about a top to bottom review. Should have said I'd give the team a quick scan then give some recommondations to Darcy. Like hey we need more scoring, or get tougher. Generic observations, that would look like I was doing something, but not really doing something. Stupid team not making the playoffs. It would make my life easier.

The LQ: Ok, Darcy Regier. Kinda creepy, smart, but always seems like he's not doing anything. Always on the computer, could be looking at Porn, or Hockey players. Don't know he tends to be shifty when I come into the office. Knows a lot about hockey and players he brings in, tend to be talented. Has made some great trades over the years. Team could use a change, but then I have to go look for a replacement. And that is more work then I want to do over the Summer.

Recommendation: Keep Darcy, and put restrictions on his computer use.

The LQ: Lindy Ruff. Players don't listen to him. But highly respected. Also scares the bejesus outta The LQ. I see him in the hall, say hi, but always scared he wants to punch me. This face can't be touched. Fans want change, so the team will fire him. Because Darcy will look for another coach, not me. I'll just give the ok sign. No work for me. Its brilliant. Gives the fans what they want, yet requires The LQ not to sweat for a minute.

Recommendation: Regretfully let Lindy go, hire cheaper replacement.

The LQ: Before I get to the players I need a break. That was tiring. So many decisions. So much work.

(The LQ looks out the window and sips his coffee)

The LQ: Must Destroy Dipofi.

(Part II soon)

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Buffalo, NY, United States
A Stay at home dad, who has more hot takes then your average stay at home dad.